When I’m laying in bed at night, I really miss you. It’s not the ordinary “I miss you” type of thing where I wish you were here with me, but more the type that a part of me is missing. It’s as if this piece is officially gone from me and that you are the only one that can give it back. That’s the type of miss I feel; it’s not an “I want you with me”, it’s an “I need you with me”. 

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Love isn’t easy, in fact, it’s really hard. You’ll definitely have your ups and downs. You’ll have both major and minor arguments and/or misunderstandings. There will be moments when you disagree and moments when you just want to scream/shout at each other. There will be moments when you are happy and moments when you make each other upset. There will be moments when you come to the realization that the person you’re fighting with is the only person you want to be with because even through everything you’ve been through, it’s all worth it because this person will do anything to make sure you feel special and that they are the centre of your universe. 

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It’s been quite sometime since I’ve seen you last. At times, I joke with myself and I say, “I wonder what he looks like nowadays” but then I snap back to reality and say to myself that I’ll never forget what you look like. Your face and smile still shine in my eyes, your fingerprints are still on my heart, your voice resonates down to my toes, your love is still in my veins. 

I often think about the past times we’ve had, filled with nothing but fun and laughter. I would add in random bursts of “poo-poo” or “oui oui” while you would be singing your favourite songs, you would pronounce certain words and I would make fun of you and die of laughter, you would constantly mock/mimic me and my actions, I would tickle you until you die of laughter and I hear your infectious laugh which gets me every time, those are just a few…I also think about all the plans that we had, the memories that still needed to be created, and the promises that needed to be fulfilled. A promise is described as, “A declaration or assurance that one will do a particular thing or that a particular thing will happen” (noun) and/or “Assure someone that one will definitely do, give, or arrange something, undertake, or declare that something will happen” (verb). 

Last year, I made you a promise that we would go to New York and that I would be the one to take you. We created a summer list that year and we put it on there. We ended up doing 98% of the things that were listed on there but unfortunately at that time, New York couldn’t happen. Even though New York never officially had a time stamp, you were still upset to know that it didn’t happen and for that reason, I don’t blame you. During our trip to Miami, you brought it up a couple of times and I was happy to know that you were still interested in going with me. So in reality, there was only one solution; New York needed to happen. 

Porcelain, I want to keep my promise, I really do. I know things haven’t been the same between us and I don’t really know if they will ever be back to normal or at least in a state where we will be “okay”, but I want to do this for you. This is not for any self gain; I am not here to keep tabs, use this against you, buy your friendship/love. You deserve this trip more then anything in the entire world. Use it as a time to get away from the constant stress you deal with from family/friends and as a way to celebrate and acknowledge that you are going into art school. Do this for you and nobody else; just you and your thoughts, your voice. I made you a promise and I’ll be damned if I don’t at least try to full-fill it. I am doing this for you, not for me. 

I took the liberty in organizing it all. Everything is paid for; hotel, travel, and food accommodations, it’s all done. New York is your dream. Let me full-fill that promise that I once made you. Let me show you why they call New York the “city that never sleeps”. Lets have one last memory together, just you and me. We’ll wake up every morning, sip our coffee and eat our bagels while walking through Central Park, we’ll make funny faces to the animals at the Zoo, we’ll mimic famous paintings while we are inside the MOMA (Museum of Modern Art), we’ll sing our hearts out like were in some kind of musical while we stand in Times Square, we’ll talk about anything and everything and we’ll make memories we’ll never forget; just you and me, nobody else. 

So what do you say, can we have 1 last memory together? 

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Every night before I go to bed, I sleep with my window open. Secretly hoping that maybe one night you would be standing outside my window, throwing tennis balls to get my attention, or figuring out some clever way to climb up and through my window to surprise me. Wishful thinking, I know, but I can’t help but to imagine. I can’t sleep whatsoever and all I can think about is that I wish you were laying right beside me. I just want to lay on your chest and listen to your heartbeat. If you ask me, that’s one of the things I miss the most; the sound of your heart. 

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Your fingerprints are still on my heart. Your voice still resonates down to my toes. Your smile lives in my eyes and every time my mind wanders, it goes directly to you. 

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You’re the only person I want, nobody else. A relationship that involves you and me. I want you, just and only you. 

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I want to say thank you for last night. I know the road we’ve been on has been a bumpy one and that we definitely have had our fair share of ups and downs. You’ve taught me a lot about myself and what life really is about; you’ve changed my entire perspective for everything. For once in my life, I experienced real love; the kind of love you’ll never forget. And no matter what, I’ll never forget you. You have impacted me in ways nobody else will understand and this is why it’s hard to leave. I made you a promise to give you the space you actually deserve and I want you to know that I won’t break that. It’s not going to be easy for me, but I know that you’ll continue to have love for me from a distance. I don’t know what the future holds but what I do know is that one day we’ll meet again, when we’re different people, maybe then we’ll be better for each other. 

I don’t believe in goodbyes, I believe in “I’ll see you later” because I know this isn’t the last time we’ll be seeing each other. So until then, please remember what I said to you on the phone: whatever it may be and no matter what it is, I’LL BE THERE. Just pick up the phone and call me, no limit on the time of day or night, I will be there for you and I will continue to be there for you, even at a distance. So when you wake up every morning, know that you are loved and that I think of you every day. Take that wherever you go and just remember, I will always love you. I will always love you…

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Time has passed and the anger was finally subsided. I am choosing to not live in fear nor hate because I want to become a better person, not a bitter person. Today, I have come to a point where the past is the past and we BOTH need to just let it go. Even though I stood by my agreement and you didn’t, I am no longer here to hold it against you. I only have 1 thing to say;

call me…

I want to ask you something, I want to let you know it’s okay. So when you see this, please call me.

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Honestly ask yourself, who do you want to be and what are you willing to do to become that person? Find yourself and if you need help, just ask me. 

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There comes a point when you just love someone. Not because they’re good or bad, or anything really, but you just simply love them. It doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever, it doesn’t mean you won’t hurt each other. It just means you love them, sometimes in spite of who they are and because of who they are. You simply just love them.

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It all comes down to the last person you think of at night. That’s where your heart is. 

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I miss you when something really good happens because you’re the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me because you’re the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other; for those were some of the best and most memorable times of my entire life. 

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It’s not just a physical attraction I have for him. I love him for every single thing he is. Every word he says, every step he takes. This is something that’ll never die.

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Because I could watch you for a single minute and find a thousand things that I love about you…

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